Sometimes I feel like my heart is just not big enough. It's been a year since I left for Capernwray. I didn't want to go there. I had to give up so much (in mind), and doubted it would be worth it. I could not imagine the ways in which I would grow... or be surrounded with such love... or how hard I would cry every day after it ended.
Last night, I found myself re-living it all. I listened to lectures just to hear Rob's voice... I watched videos to pretend that I was there once more. I read my journal entries, and I read my notes. I found stories I had written; and sad portraits we had attempted.
I told stories to my roommate, FLT and RA through tears. I watched our "tour of Capernwray" video and wished I could hear the announcement chime once more.
I recalled getting stuck in cattle guard grates around the loop, getting caught on the road after midnight on the eve of Derek's birthday, teaching Bible stories at Sunshine corner, slipping on ice and falling on my butt, working in the bookshop, doing laundry and complaining because it was never dry, playing chicken goggles in family group, not being satisfied with my meal of a mere potato, checking the pigeon holes for a note from home, crying in my closet, and more memories than I could possibly write down.
My heart's just not big enough.
After meeting so many wonderful people, growing so close to them, and then being forced away from them.... I feel like my heart's been shattered... like the lamp I broke when I was a kid. WHY they never break into larger pieces, I will never understand. But that's how I feel right now. I feel like a little kid who was having a ton of fun one second-- throwing the ball around inside the house, and the next second, looking at a shattered vase. The tears are welling up, and my lip is beginning to quiver.
Maybe if my heart was bigger, it wouldn't have shattered into as many tiny pieces... maybe there would a few pieces large enough to offer to someone else.
I don't know how to move on with life. It feels so hard to make new friends. I'm afraid they will disappear too.
And... I feel forgotten. I feel jealous of people who get to see their Capernwray friends frequently. I don't want to be a pest... so I've tried to leave communication in their hands. Does the lack of it mean that they don't wish to continue it? That is what I have concluded. I've tried to accept it; but it hurts even more than the fact that I can't be with all of them anymore.
Perhaps one day (if I'm not working in an orphanage in India or South America), if I get married, I will take him to Capernwray. I don't know if I can accurately express all that it has meant to me, or the profound impact it has had on my life. I don't even know if I want to go back. I doubt that the place impacted me as much as the people I was with. And, the truth is, they won't be there if I go back.
Nahh I still want to take the future Mr. there. (If there is one.) I want him to see the place that God showed me his infinite love. I want him to wake up to the nippy breeze, the sheep baahhing, the dew on the grass. I want him to see the fertile rolling hills, the stupid cattle guards, the bridge, my tree. I want him to meet dear Sue Gilmore and the guy I had to kiss on my 19th birthday.
One of the things I'm most thankful for, as a result of this year; I am willing to go anywhere. I'm considering missions, and now that I've traveled around Europe (some ALL ALONE), I am confident to go where he calls me.... whether I'm alone, or not. God works all things together for good. And I know that he has given me these experiences to mold me into the person he wants me to be. So I thank him, through the tears for my memories and for the people I met.
Lord, make my heart bigger.