A Reason for Joy

I don't know how to deal with the memories of last year. I miss my dear friends so much. I wish that I could have a chat with Jeremiah under the main stairs and meet Derek in London once more. I feel it is impossible to accurately communicate how much I treasure and miss people. I find myself shedding tears because I wish I could be wrapped in their arms once more. I find it hard to recall the forming of our friendship... it feels as if we became close instantly.
I find it frustrating how hard I am working with very little results. I find it frustrating how I can't seem to gain approval or congratulations. I am not one to sit idle. I am not one to ask for help. I tend to suffer silently until I cannot bear it anymore. I find it easy to admit how little I know... and therefore constantly belittle myself.
I am finding it difficult to feel the joy of Christmas. I've gone through the motions. I have wrapped gifts sitting right beside me... but I feel like it is just another day.
I feel like a boring adult. I feel like I'm not living in the moment. I don't like who I am today...
and I don't know how to change.