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Sunday, July 18, 2010

Prayer, The Munsters, and cheese.

This post can be split into several sections... Friday night lecture, Sunday service and Sunday afternoon.

Friday night lecture. Hans Peter Royer spoke on Prayer. He said something I need to hear, but didn't want to hear. He said "no" and "wait" are just as valid answers as "yes." I've been praying about the same thing for the past 10 months... and God's said "no"... or maybe it's "wait..." either way, the answer is no for now. I keep thinking maybe God will change his mind or something, but I need to accept his answer. Otherwise, I'm one of those annoying children who keeps asking for something even though they've gotten an answer. Hans Peter asked us why we have to ask for things if he already know what we need. "If you never ask, you never recieve." Sometimes he may say no if you ask, but you definitiely won't get it if you never ask.

Sunday service. The man who preached reminded me of the grandpa from "The Munsters." The resemblance was uncanny. He talked about Lazarus, Martha and Mary and the 3 w's... witness, work and worship. It was a phenomenal message, mixed with humor and deep thoughts. Afterword, somehow I got into a conversation with him and an 88 year old man (one of the most precious people I've ever met!) and he gave me a card that says "For this... I have Jesus." Doesn't that just make you smile??

After church, I just felt super emotional. I don't know why. I suddenly could not hold back the tears, and set off to my favorite place in Schladming... the waterfall. For some reason, I always pick a spot where I just let all my emotions out. Ok, I usually have 2. One, being my bed... and the other is always different, depending on my location. Here in Austria, it is the waterfall. I find something so peaceful about that spot. It has a metal overhang that you can walk onto and feel the light spray from the falls. All you hear is the sound of rushing water, so you can cry as loud as you want, or sing or even scream and it feels like no one will hear (in reality, I'm sure people can hear just fine... and have often considered me a runaway mental patient). It's the place I went to during prayer day to write my Psalm; it's the place I went to when I was upset about roommate situations, the end of school, not wanting to be at school... it's a place with a lot of memories. And that's where I went today. I let my tears flow as I stared at the rushing water. I asked myself why I was crying... and realized it was because God had answered my prayer... by saying no. The answer we don't want is still an answer. I don't want it to be no... but it is. I walked away with my lip quivering and tears still rolling down my cheeks. Even though I had no memories from Austria with him, I imagined we were in one of the places we both knew together. It made me wonder how I can ever stand seeing him again... I feel like doing so is like sticking my hand in a mousetrap. I'm going to get caught, and it's going to hurt. But gosh I really want that cheese... and somehow I've convinced myself I can get it without getting hurt. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

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