Remembering.

I hate, hate, HATE when I can't be completely honest with someone. I hate it that I can't talk about it. I hate it that I have to get over it without processing it to those I trust the most... but unfortunately are the most involved without even being aware. I hate that I don't know what to do with myself. I hate that I don't know who to spend time with. I hate that I lack so much motivation. I hate that all I want to do is watch "Nacho Libre." Why do I hate everything so much? I hate that I hate everything.

Suddenly I am asking myself why I'm here. Do I really matter? What is God's purpose for me right now?
I have put up pictures on my walls.... probably too many pictures... from the last year. The numerous gorgeous places I've been. It makes me discontent. I kind of want to rip them all down.

I miss the people I used to take for granted. I miss the conversations that were so deep, but so natural. I remember first getting to Capernwray and thinking all of this. I know it will pass. I know I will learn to love it here. I must thank God for the wonderful people I got to spend 9 months with... instead of lamenting the fact that they're not with me anymore. I need to thank God for how he's working NOW instead of focusing completely on what's happened in the last year and expecting him to work the same way again. I am struggling to live in the moment and find joy in it.

I still cry every single time I hear the song "Fix You" by Coldplay.
I want to walk around the loop one more time with you.
I'd like one more movie night in the basement.
I'd like a bazillion more hugs.
I'd like to slide down the banister once more.
I'd like to worship God with my whole heart without abandon.
I'd like to play chicken goggles again.
I'd like to have a deep conversation under the stairs again.
I'd like to take some more pictures on timer.
I'd like to walk the streets of Lancaster again with you.

I don't want to forget...
but sometimes it just hurts to remember.

I don't want to forget...

but sometimes it just hurts to remember.